Thursday, November 08, 2007

Well well well.....
It's been a while yes i know.

Today's the Deepavali holidays, so i (surprisingly) have a bit of rest. Normally i work everyday, even weekends and public holidays. The last public holiday i actually had rest was Singapore's National Day, only because the parade was at the Esplanade so City Hall where my work place was would be heavily policed to control traffic, so we decided not to open up lest we were deemed a threat if we continued to work.

Am staying in my current place in Novena for about 5 months now. Love the place, but still can't help but feel i over-committed on the rent since it's taking up half my salary, so i'm barely making ends meet as things stand right now. Takes me just 20mins to get to work, have a beautiful view of the cityscape from my window, is extremely windy and cooling at night, and is quiet all day long unlike my previous place where u could barely hear yourself in the day when traffic through the flyover beside my old place was at its highest.
The worst part is that this Novena place comes as an alternative. My original place at Normanton Park was scrapped, we got fucked by the landlord, who rejected us, and we lost our deposit. We consulted our agent and we've filed a case with the Small Case Tribunal, but these things take so much time that i've more or less given up my share the $1700 deposit that those fuckers usurped. That was also why in my previous post i had mentioned that if not for Jaclyn who offered to let me stay her place for a month while finding another place, i would've been sleeping on the streets.

Working in UOB as a personal banker, but still in the trainee stages. Am having trouble meeting targets - guess i'm still riding the low point in my life.
I find it gut-wrenching that my colleagues aren't trying as hard as i am, yet they're doing better - half the effort, three times the results. And my bosses who aren't on the field, looking from their moral high ground assume i'm lazy and therefore am not generating results. I've already been retained for 1 batch of trainees, while my batchmates have all moved on to other portfolios. I'm stuck behind, with time running out on me.

I guess i'm somewhat envious as well. My friend xiaohu in another group wasn't doing very well either, but he got alot of help from his team-mates, and he's out of training now. I'm really happy for him, coz he's a really good guy and he doesn't deserve to stay behind like me. Me? Ha.....
My team-mates are supportive and all, and i don't expect them to go out of their way to help me, esp since it's not really the culture for my group.

I've been told this year isn't a very good year for me since i'm born in the year of the pig. I understand that everything happens for a reason, a groupmate of mine tells me not to lose hope, that this phase of my life was perhaps to make me treasure things more. I understand that, and i begrudge no one, and i'm still trying hard to keep my faith, despite how almost everything twists and turns against me.

I learn from the success of my groupmates, i pick up what to do, what not to do, what to avoid, what to play up, posture, mannerism, tone, enthusiasm. I try, i keep trying, but they get sales with what they do and i don't. So does that mean that their methods don't work for me? So what am i supposed to do that'll work then? I dissect my successes, and realize that the people i've been successful so far isn't even the people i originally work well with. My style would seem to suggest i work well with the savvy bunch, but it's exactly the savvy bunch that think they're better than me and don't require my services. I look at my sales, and recall what i did right, what i could've done better, and try to apply it now, but if i do the same things they don't work anymore, so does that mean i got lucky those times? And i need to refine some more? Where should i change?
It frustrates me because i don't know what i'm doing wrong. If i knew, then i could improve. But i don't, so i'm dumbfounded - dropping me into a depressionistic cycle - coz i keep thinking about a question that i have no answer to. My direct superior feels that presentation and soft skills wise i have little trouble, but it's just that i lost my passion. Perhaps she's right, i'm simply tired. I don't see much motivation also partially because the future looks bleak, i slog away now with little results, and even if i survive this stage and make it to be a full-fledged banker, it's no paradise, and things aren't going to be better at all, if anything to me, it looks worse than things currently are now minus the lack of sales.

I've got until the 19th November to cough out almost 30K of sales. I'm not going to give up yet. But deep down in my heart i'm not sure if i'll make it.
When the certainty of my retaining to the next batch of trainees was confirmed, my bosses' bosses' boss came to speak to me. He offered me a 'way out' of sorts, giving me a backroom job. He gave me just a day to consider his offer, since it was either that, or staying as a trainee and fighting to meet the target which i've already failed meeting, or otherwise the last option was to break the bond and leave and pay the $4000 penalty. I really considered his offer. Yeah it was very administrative, and it required alot of saikang (literally translated as shit work), but at least it was a 5 fucking day week 9 to 6 job. U get paid a decent amount at the end of the month instead of having to worry about earning more than the pitiful basic salary. And you don't have superiors roasting you for sales.
I spoke to some close friends, and after i described the job to them they were mostly 'that doesn't sound like you at all'. I decided to stay in the program, wondering if i shot myself in the foot since i've got very little time to make up for my shortfall from the target.

Friends tell me it's like that when you first start out.
I certainly hope so.
I'm still waiting for the rainbow to come out. If you're at your lowest point, it means things can only get better. But is this my lowest? Or is it possible to sink even lower? I pray not.

Dr@n|xX at 2:22 PM