Monday, June 04, 2007
I really wonder what i did wrong in a past life.
Germany was made to pay extremely severely after World War I, this impoverished them, coupled with The Great Depression, things were looking really bad for them. Hitler came along with a convincing story, and Germany hence went along and started World War II.
I've got nowhere to turn now.
All my potential job leads have come to dead ends.
I don't even have a roof over my head now. If not for my sole gem Jaclyn, I'd be sleeping on the road now.
I went this morning to apply for a social visit pass, hoping to be able to get approval to stay for about 3 months or so. They gave me 14 days.
My sister sms'ed me that my mum is crying at home because she was worried sick about me in Singapore - not having a job, not even having a secure roof over my head. Yet all she can do is pray, praying for mercy because at the back of her head she knows the signs don't bode well for me, praying for help because she knows i'm trying.
I feel like i've failed my parents. I've got nothing to show for all time & money they invested in me.
Am i not trying hard enough? Am i too ugly? Am i too stupid? What is it am I doing wrong? Am i undeserving? Have i not been Faithful? I've only met with problem after problem after problem after problem after problem after problem after problem upon problems compounded upon problems compounded upon problems compounded upon more problems. Fate taunts me at every opportunity. I don't want to suffer anymore, and i don't want the people around me to suffer anymore as well because of me. I'm not suicidal, i'm not that silly, but survival only means meeting more problems, dragging people down with me, burdening my parents even more, breathing someone else's air, competing for someone else for opportunity.
I've seen these ads about less fortunate children, where the caption reads
"IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO SURVIVE ON A DIET OF HOPE"
I don't know how to hope anymore. Hoping only leads me to disappointment. How do you hope when you simply do not see any light at the end of the tunnel? The rainbow can only come out after the rain, true, but the rain has been pouring for so long i've almost forgotten how a sunny day looks like, all i have are the memomies of what i remembered as sunny days - or maybe my life is supposed to be one long never-ending rainy day, the sunny days are more like hiccups from the status quo. Besides, it's been raining so long i'm drowning in the flood, just holding onto a rotting piece of flotsam, letting the current carry me to my inevitable demise.
Hope? Ha.
Dr@n|xX at 5:26 PM
